Loneliness Stalking

When Loneliness Comes Stalking

It happens at odd times, unexpected, vaporous, a loneliness combined with longing. A stabbing, hollow loneliness, a perpetual one.

All those babies, I miss them everyone, miscarriages, only a few weeks, but real nonetheless. They never got to see the light of day, nor feel the thump of a heartbeat.

But the worst is my loneliness for a baby boy named Joseph, a perfect child, his name came to me after he perished and I held him in my arms. That was after I pushed him out too early. A boy whose life was sacrificed to save my own.

He is a secret I’ve kept, or at least only whispered about. But now the need is great for the world to  know about the loneliness that stalks me, many women, the knowledge that I could have been . . . would have been . . . one of those new Georgia statistics, that I live, but that meant he would die.

That choice, I don’t wish on anyone and it is not done frivolously, only through desperate moments of terror, pain, tears, screams, confusion, dread and no escape. Worst of all that moment, that decision never dissolves or fades, no matter how it ends. The loneliness stalks even when you least expect it, when you are suddenly feeling happiness, or hope, or joy, that’s when the loneliness comes in stealth and can surround and choke me until I am robed in the cloth of grief and yearning and loneliness for that little Joseph whose hand I held, who I apologized to, who I apologize to every day when loneliness comes stalking.

And why loneliness? Because a decision like that was made by me, I had to make the call, alone, in my fright, alone and lonely, looking for anyone, anything besides me to blame.

Yet I will always be grateful for my few moments with my baby boy, and forever grateful that the choice was mine with the compassionate honesty of a trusted physician and not a stranger in his leather government chair passing his draconian judgement from afar.

17 thoughts on “Loneliness Stalking”

  3. your courage in the telling takes my breath away. I am so sorry you had to go through this but so grateful that you could make your own choice.

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  7. This piece was so affecting when you read it at DimeStories, reading it again…taking time and staying with the pain revealed through the language shows what a powerful piece it is. Thank you for sharing it here, Carrie.

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  8. This piece was so affecting when you read it at DimeStories. Reading it here, which allows us to slow down and stay with the pain and loneliness the language gives us, is to take the emotion and truth of it that much deeper. Thank you for sharing it here.

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  9. This piece was so affecting when you read it at Dime Stories. Now, reading it in print, which allows us to slow down and stay with the images you’ve created through your beautiful language takes us more deeply into the loneliness and pain of the experience. Thank you for sharing it here.

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  10. Carrie, I apologize for my three comments on this post. WordPress kept telling me I wasn’t logged in and so didn’t post the comments and so I tried again and again. I have no idea how this happened. I’m so frustrated with technology! I wish I could delete two of my comments, but I don’t see how to do that.

    Apologies again. The post is so good.

    love, Judy

    When Your Heart Says Go https://www.judyreeveswriter.com/books Now Available

    Visit me at: http://www.judyreeveswriter.com https://www.judyreeveswriter.com/ Find me on Facebook: judyreevestoo https://www.facebook.com/judyreevestoo Here I am on Instagram: jarwrites https://www.instagram.com/judyreeveswriter/

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  12. Dear Carrie,

    I was one of the ones you whispered to long ago, and it brought tears that couldn’t soothe your pain or loneliness especially since I was waddling about in my own growing pregnancy. I feel your huge loss so often, as the days accumulate into years: Ben is almost 40, our Zoe was lost at 3 months, and is buried in a garden in Mexico. The immense paradox of choice never settles or soothes when it comes to our children. Nor can others’ toxic judgments ever take away the feel of a tiny hand, the knowing of a name.

    Sending much love and a loud Brava for this sharing.

    Nancy

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  15. Carrie, I never knew. I thought I stopped crying anymore in my life. You have given me permission to cry. And my tears are one of the many gifts we have shared.i hope I am making sense. If not, just know how much I have always loved you for so long. ❤️😘😘

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